Dear Game Shows,
So I’m sure you get this a lot, but I’m your biggest fan. I know I’m under 50 and all, but I Tivo Jeopardy every night, and now that I’m unemployed, I have plenty of time to play all the mid-day games along with the television. I try to keep my blood pressure in check during Lingo, but it really stresses me out how much better I am than the contestants. Do they even practice? I sure do.
I love that you have an entire network dedicated to you, and I love that their website is pretty much dedicated to my need to be playing games instead of working at all times. Thanks for that!
So I’ve been thinking: I’m pretty free these days with that whole “pursuing a career in writing” thing, and I’d love to offer up my services. I would be the best game show contestant you’ve ever had. In addition to being a fiercely competitive individual, I’ve got that intangible charisma that so many contestants are sorely lacking (no offense, Every Middle Contestant on Jeopardy and Wheel). I’ve seen the competition, and I’m much more attractive, better dressed, and would rehearse my back story so that audiences nationwide would get a satisfying chuckle over my antidote during “meet the contestants.”
I’m smart, but not like 12-time Jeopardy Champion smart: no one likes that. I’m witty with just the right amount of snark that audiences will know they’re watching a hip program, but I have an endearing self-deprecation about me. Audiences will eat it up.
And my game face. Oh lord. My intense game face is bound to be a meme that will live on and amplify the social media success of your show. Take Real Housewives Ramona’s lack of working eye lids, and add it to Taylor Swift’s excitement for…anything, and add in just a dash of James Van der Beek’s tears: that’s my game face. My eyes have always been just a little disproportionately large for my face (not so much as to freak people out, don’t worry), and they would be a huge advantage in crowd pleasing expressions.
Best of all: no matter what it is, I get really into it. Don’t get me wrong - I prefer shows like Password Plus, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and 1 vs. 100 where there is skill and knowledge involved, but if I must play Deal or No Deal, I’ll have audiences convinced I’m really using powerful logic to decide how much money is in the suitcase.
I’m going to draw the line at group competition, though. I love my family, but I just don’t think we could be a good team. I want to love them after. If we were playing Family Feud, and they responded with something clearly off mark, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t talk to them for at least a year. And they would - we’ve played Scattegories together, and like - you can just tell. If I get married, just know that The Newlywed Game is not for me. If we lost, the marriage would be over faster than a Showcase Showdown, and I certainly would not be at fault.
No, no. I’m more of an individual player. Depending on the categories, I could probably win a round of Jeopardy, but there is a solid chance I’d eff it up by betting it all to make it a true Daily Double (it’s the crowd pleaser in me). If we could loophole my way into College Jeopardy, I would definitely win (this is a great time to bring up that I always found it ironic that the Jeopardy aimed at college educated people was dumbed down from regular Jeopardy. If that’s not enough to question going to college, I don’t know what is). I’d prefer to keep it classic, but I’ll experiment in noveau-competition. Minute to Win It borders on “is this really a game show?” but I’d be up for it. I’ve dabbled in the “do it at home” games from the show, but you never do know how good you are at balancing cotton balls on your nose and doing jumping jacks until you’re on stage, so it would be a risk.
So anyway, I’m sure you’re super busy coming up with hilarious puns for categories (that is not sarcasm…and I’m always happy to help with that too), but thanks for taking the time to read this. Lingo’s on at 12:30 so I should really wrap this up.
Please do consider me as your go to contestant, but if worse comes to worst, I’ll just continue trying to hail the Cash Cab.
Have your pets spayed and neutered!
P.S. Do you also agree that Alex Trebek lost some of his magical powers when he shaved his mustache? Not all of them - he still possesses the power to invisibly mock contestants without their knowledge, but I don’t think he can fly anymore. And is Vanna White a robot?