Buying a house is the new losing your virginity


I am a property virgin.  Also, if my mother is reading this, an actual virgin.

I attended a housewarming party this weekend for some friends who recently lost their property virginity.  It was very exciting, and much like when it happened with friends’  actual virginity, they just seemed a little more grown up than they did a few weeks back.  There were a couple other people at the party who also lost their PV card, but other than that: huge group of virgins.

If 30 is the new 16 (I’m trying to make that a thing before I turn 30), then buying a house is the new losing your virginity.  From my very outsider property virgin perspective, here are the 10 reasons why:

1. When you buy a house, all of your friends are genuinely happy for you, but also a little jealous and find your new found responsibility pretty frightening.

They’re also super worried this means you’re going to have a baby soon.

2. You probably shouldn’t just settle on something just because it’s available and everyone else is doing it.

So as much fun as that ranch in Iowa looks, if it’s not going to work out long term, probably best to wait for something else.

3. Most people wait until they’re married.

Wait - did I say this was how it’s similar?  Disregard.

4. Those who haven’t lost their property virginity are going to exaggerate their understanding of what’s involved, but when it comes down to it, they are not going to know what they’re doing when the big moment arrives.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t fully understand what escrow is.  I have pretended in no less than seven conversations that I do know what it means.  I’ve heard it’s better if it’s short. Any other property term also falls in this category. I don’t even know what I don’t know.

5. Almost doesn’t count

Having a realtor is like going to second base, and putting in a bid is a clear third base, but until that paperwork is signed, you’re still a virgin.

6. If you wait too long, you’re going to become the property virgin minority.  And that’s totally normal and no one is judging you or anything…renting is a really mature choice.

At one point, everyone you knew was a property virgin (except that one friend who developed an income faster than the rest of us).  Even couples who would move in together never went the whole way.  Now, slowly but surely, the pure of mortgage numbers are waning.  And it’s not like you can’t be mature if you’re still renting, but you’re going to have to grow up at some point.

7. Property virgins are going to ask property owners their age all the questions they’re too afraid to ask their parents in the cafeteria…or brunch.

Wait…so how is the bank involved again? Does it hurt…your credit if you miss a mortgage payment?  What type of protection are you using…homeowners insurance, right? Did you talk to your mom about it first? And what IS escrow, anyway?

8. It’s only a big deal if you haven’t done it yet.

At least, that’s what I hear.

9. You are secretly terrified.

I get that people have been doing this since the first cave estate broker showed the first cave couple their starter cave, but there’s just something so terrifying about it.  And there’s no turning back once you’ve done it.  Once it’s gone, your (money) is gone.  Even if you regret it, you’ll never have that back.

10. You should really understand all the risks before diving in.

One of those risks includes “not being able to afford the house.”  I don’t really know the rest of them, so it’s clear I should wait.